# Things to talk about with elderly parents on the phone

Thirty-six questions and small topics for calls with an older mother or father, sorted by the kind of day they have had, and how to end a call well.

Most lists of conversation topics for older parents are written as if you were a child visiting a grandparent. You are an adult, and so are they. The best calls sound like two grown people catching up, with one of them a little more tired than before.

Below are thirty-six questions and topics, sorted by the kind of day your mother or father has had. You do not need many. One good question usually leads to ten minutes of talk.

## Start with today

The easiest openings are small and concrete. "How are you?" gets "Fine". A question about the day gets a story.

1. What did you have for lunch?
2. Did you get out today? Where did you go?
3. What is the weather doing there?
4. Who did you see or speak to today?
5. What are you watching or reading at the moment?

## When the day was quiet

A quiet day can feel like there is nothing to say. These give them something to talk about that is not about being alone.

6. What is coming up this week that you are looking forward to?
7. How is the garden, or the plants on the windowsill?
8. Have you heard from anyone in the family lately?
9. What did you think of the news this week?
10. Is there anything you would like me to send you?

## When something happened

If you know about an appointment, a visit or a worry, ask about it by name. It shows you were listening last time.

11. How did the appointment go? What did the doctor say?
12. Did the plumber come in the end?
13. How was it seeing your sister?
14. Are you sleeping any better since we last spoke?
15. Is there anything about it that is still on your mind?

Then listen to the whole answer. A worry told slowly is often lighter at the end.

## Their life before you

These are the questions people say they wish they had asked sooner. They work best on a relaxed call, not a rushed one.

16. What was your first job, and how much were you paid?
17. Where did you live when you were my age?
18. How did you and Dad meet? What did you think of him at first?
19. What was your mother like when you were small?
20. What did your family eat on special days?
21. What was the hardest year you remember, and how did you get through it?
22. Who was your best friend at school?
23. What is something you did that would surprise me?

You might want to write down what they tell you. Many people only wish they had once it is too late to ask again.

## Ask for their help

Older parents often feel they are the ones being looked after now. Asking for their knowledge turns that around.

24. How did you make that soup? What goes in first?
25. What would you do about my neighbour's noise?
26. How did you manage money when we were small?
27. What should I plant on a shady balcony?
28. How did you know when to let us make our own mistakes?

## Tell, don't only ask

A call made of questions can feel like an interview. Bring things from your own life too.

29. Something funny that happened at work this week.
30. What the children said or did.
31. A meal you cooked, and whether it worked.
32. A place you went, with a photo sent after the call.
33. Something you are worried about, if they like to help that way.

## When the call is harder

If your parent has trouble hearing, speak a little slower, not louder, and call when the room around them is quiet. A video call helps some people read your face. If memory is going, stay with the present and with the far past, which often stays clearer than last week. Ask about what they can see around them, and don't test them with "Do you remember…?"

34. What can you see from your window right now?
35. Tell me about the house you grew up in.

## End the call well

The last minute is the part people remember. Do not let the call trail off.

36. "When shall we talk next?"

Say the day out loud, and say what you will do before then: "I'll send you a photo of the garden on Thursday." Then the next call already has something in it.

If you live in another country, the time of the call matters too. A call when she is tired at the end of her day goes differently from one at her mid-morning. [When can I ring?](/tools/when-can-i-ring) shows the hours when you are both awake, and our guide on [how often to call](/guides/how-often-should-i-call-my-parents) helps you settle a rhythm.